Reviewing the Jaden Smith Anime

Please note: The following piece is a sarcastic review

Netflix is a veritable library of Alexandria, a veritable expanse of entertainment with endless pieces of art for the viewer’s pleasure. As I browsed through its wide halls, one series caught my eye- an anime known as “Neo Yokio” (that’s it’s actual name I’m not joking.) This animated series is a Netflix original, and prominently features the actor Jaden Smith, also known as Moises, also known as the reincarnation of Aristotle himself, also known as the son of Will Smith, protector of Earth, also known as the greatest philosopher of the the 21st century, also known as a demigod descended from the heights of Olympus who is here to grant us mortals Holy Knowledge and insight into the inner workings of the old gods. If you do not know who this absolute legend is, allow me to impart some of his holy knowledge that he has inscribed onto his Twitter.

Clearly these tweets demonstrate a sort of divinity to the child. Perhaps he had descended from the heavens at too early of a stage in humanity’s life cycle for any of us to understand what he is trying to tell us. Nevertheless, he is the main star in Neo Yokio.

So, where to begin with Neo Yokio? To be perfectly honest with you all, I could not make it past the first episode, because I feared that if I were to continue, I would be blinded by this show’s sheer “magnificence”. It’s that good. I am being perfectly clear with all of you right now, we all live in a blessed age, if only because of the anime Neo Yokio. And Toblerone. And Chanel. Both of which are products prominently featured in Neo Yokio. I need you to think of the best anime, best TV series, best movie, best Novel, best piece of art ever created in mankind’s long history. None would come close to the brilliance of Neo Yokio. The Godfather Trilogy? Forget about it. Picasso? HA. The almighty Jaden Smith scoffs at his insolence. The Mona Lisa? But a cockroach in the midst of a titan. The moment I learned that Ezra Koenig, a musician with absolutely no writing credentials, would be involved in the creation of this show, I already knew it would be truly something special. But the inclusion of demigod Jaden Smith, raised my expectations tenfold. And the show exceeded all of my expectations nearly the instant I watched it. Netflix truly struck a gold mine, when this show was birthed onto this earth. Look at the ratings! They practically speak for themselves.

Okay, not so good, but we all know those Rotten Tomatoes folks are clearly uncultured swine. Let’s look at a more reputable review site.

I never liked IMDb to begin with, let’s look somewhere else.

SEE! LOOK! We all know that Google users has established their reputation as the best source of what the general public thinks of a show. Clearly we can rely upon their feedback to gauge the public’s reaction. Anyways, moving on.

The plot of the first episode is an artful tapestry woven with such craftsmanship that one must see it for themselves to truly believe how wonderful this show really is. I would highly suggest you avoid spoilers and stop reading this article right now, one must behold this masterpiece with their own eyes to truly appreciate what netflix has accomplished. Right off the bat, it markets itself as a show made by men and women within high society, for high society. It starts with sweeping shots of aristocracy living it up in luxurious buildings, living lavish, cushy lives. Like the sound of that? Get used to it, because the show will never stop showing off how rich everyone is. Jaden Smith’s character, Kaz Kaan, is an incredibly wealthy, well endowed, privileged child descended from a long line of exorcists, has a robot butler and the inexplicable ability to shoot magic fireballs from his hands. Just like Jaden Smith in real life. Kaz is constantly depressed and nihilistic, also like Jaden Smith in real life. Seriously, the amount of angst that radiates of off his character is enough to make Kylo Ren blush. He literally even lies down on his own grave, that he made for himself, even though he isn’t dead. That’s how edgy he is. It should be worth noting that the show makes it a point to show off how rich he is, which would make certain people question what he’s so upset about when he is living a better life than most people in the world. But those people are people with actual “common sense” and “reason” both of which are, according to our great leader, Jaden Smith, social constructs created by the devil himself. So let’s ignore those people. At the beginning of the episode, he particularly has his pants in a twist because his girlfriend broke up with him to get a banking job in San Francisco and his depresso espresso turns into a latte of misery when his position on Neo Yokio’s most eligible bachelor leaderboards goes down to second place. After some important events happen, which are SO important that I can barely begin to explain how important they are, Kaz shoots a fireball in some guy’s face because he said a couple of mean things to him. A perfectly justifiable action, in my eyes. Then he is ordered to actually do his job and try to exorcise some girl named Helena. It fails miserably, which knocks his position on the bachelor leaderboards down to seventh place. Then the aforementioned scene where he lies down in his own grave occurs. Truly a resonant and heartbreaking sequence. I definitely did not choke on my own laughter when it happened. But through a sequence of events which involves Kaz talking to this random old man spraying perfume on his wife’s grave, he figures out the secret to defeating the demon that has possessed Helena, which is destroying her Chanel dress.

Still following my summary of the episode? I don’t blame you if you don’t, because it’s plot is so deep and complex, (being that a demigod was involved), I would not blame you if you were unable to keep up with this masterwork. Anyways, Kaz successfully defeats the demon, and frees Helena. This success temporarily alleviates his crippling depression, and he plays ground hockey with his friends. Or something.

Now that I have completed this review, I fear I have committed a sin. My mortal fingers were not worthy to retell this epic masterwork. If I have not convinced you to take a minute out of your life to watch this show now, I do not know what will.

The first episode of Neo Yokio captivated me from start to finish. It has effectively convinced me that no more pieces of art need to be made. It represents the peak of human culture, us at our very best. Neo Yokio has stiff, lifeless, voice acting, so bland that it manages to become vibrant and meaningful. Neo Yokio has an uninspired, unimaginative plot so poorly written, that it becomes an instant masterpiece. And with the addition of the constant product placement of Toblerone, and the addition of God Emperor Jaden Smith, it’s ascension is finally complete. Soon Neo Yokio will be taught in school as the summative representation of the golden age of humanity. And just by watching one episode, I am in eternal bliss. Thank you Netflix, for blessing us with this beautiful, sweet, baby, boy. I don’t know about you guys, but I now have an irresistible urge to treat myself to a big bar of Toblerone.