Tooting Your Kazoo

One of the things that makes humanity so profound and unique as a species is its ability to produce music. An argument can be made that this is one of the main abilities that separates us from beasts. From ancient, neolithic, tribal drums, to fifteenth century pipe organs accompanied by Gregorian chants, and hundreds of years forward to upbeat, high tempo jazz, to glossy, eighties synth. Music and instruments have been humanity’s heart and soul. Truly it is a testament to years of evolution, our gradual climb up the biological ladder has allowed us to produce that wonderful thing called melody, something no other species could accomplish.

Well, maybe except for that old Youtube video, from like, 2009 or something that had this kitty that was playing a keyboard. It was probably fake, though. Still… it was pretty cute.

What was I talking about again?

Oh right, music.

If music can be divided into two main components they are vocals and instrumentals. And through the power of human ingenuity, we have constructed a plethora of instruments to produce all manner of wonderful noises. According to a quick Google search, there is at least more than a thousand instruments across the world’s vast array of cultures, ethnicities, and nations. But out of the thousands of instruments that are scattered across the world, I am of the opinion that none of them even come close to the kazoo.

GAZE UPON ITS MAGNIFICENCE!

At a glance, the kazoo looks unremarkable. It is akin to something one would find in a goodie bag at an ten year old’s birthday party(and it often is). But a kazoo is more than that.

You will not find an instrument more versatile, accessible, and beautiful as a kazoo. I have never felt a more pleasing sensation than rubbing my hands across it’s sleek, plastic frame, feeling my lips wrap firmly around it’s mouthpiece, and hearing that heavenly sound, the sound of an angel sighing, as I begin to translate my mortal noises into something more...divine.

Truly, I have never felt so ascended since I watched Neo Yokio. And with just handful of pennies, a few seconds of training, and a visit to a ten year old’s birthday party, you too, can experience this joy.

I will help you.

For my long quest to master mankind’s greatest instrument, I ventured to the far of peaks of Tibet, where Shaolin monks have practiced their mysterious rituals for centuries. When I had reached the temples, I met a man named Pai Mei. He chastised me constantly, but he seemed to genuinely want me to succeed. After a year of arduous training, we entered a long, dark stairwell that seemed as if it had extended forever. It was hidden away in the Himalayas.. Pai mei, sensing my apprehension, simply looked to me and said, “It is time. You are ready.” I slowly began my descent into the gloomy, ancient temple, and I looked around as I saw the mummified corpses of ancient monks, staring straight at me. And at the end of the hallway, I saw it. It’s glistening plastic sheen, as if it had just been bought of the store shelf, shined forth from the pedestal it was perched upon. I heard a distant, bellowing voice. “YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF WORTHY,” it said. “NOW TAKE THE INSTRUMENT OF THE GODS!”

I reached forth.

And I picked up my kazoo.

I rose it up in the air, and I yelled triumphantly. “I GOT THE TOUCH,” I said. “I GOT THE POWER.”

You don’t really have to do all this though.

The one thing you need to remember if you want to toot your kazoo is that you don’t blow into it, you hum into it. And that’s all there is too it. Nothing else. I just saved you a year’s worth of trouble. You can thank me later.

There are many variations of kazoo developed for every type of person. If you want to judge someone’s character, simply look at the craftsmanship of their kazoo. It says a lot about a person. Kazoos come in all shapes and sizes, and all manner of colors. You don’t have to journey to ancient himalayan temples to find one as you can purchase them in your local market, on the international market, or on the black market. For the sake of expedience, I have classified three main kazoo groups you can select.

Plastic Kazoo

This was the type of kazoo I was granted in my journey in the Himalayas. If you are someone who feels your money would be better spent on something else, (which I find ridiculous, but I won’t judge), then this is the kazoo for you. They are often produced en masse, you can find entire bags of them at your local retailer. Which does bring into question as to why I spent so much time in the Himalayas to begin with. This is the kazoo of the commoner, the worker, the middle class. It is said that Vladimir Lenin used this kazoo to rally the people of Russia to revolt against Tzar Nicholas the Second. Originally, the Soviet flag would’ve had not only a hammer and a sickle, but a kazoo, to represent the arts. If you are running on empty when it comes to cash, plastic kazoos will fulfill your needs. They sound just as good as other kazoos in my opinion, and for a dirt cheap price.

Brass Kazoo

A kazoo for those of higher standing. If you wish to not associate yourself with filthy peasantry, and would like to impress your attendees who have come to visit you in your Mcmansion in the Hamptons, this kazoo will clearly display your superiority on the social ladder. It is a kazoo that screams, or rather, toots, class. Any romantic interest will become yours. All manner of man and woman will find instant infatuation upon sighting your shiny, metal instrument of absolute style. One must take caution, however, as this kazoo may instill jealousy and bitterness into the hearts of those around you. Be careful not to get mugged.

Wazoo

Scientists spend too much time asking if they can do it, but they never ask if they should do it. This...I’m sorry, but I can’t really come up with anything. Such an affront to nature leaves me at a loss for words. You may think it is an excellent kazoo, but it just seems… unnatural.

Rumor is that it was developed under a top secret weapons program during the sixties, as the United States military was searching for a device that utilized sonic waves to enhance troop coordination and proficiency in battle, and simultaneously demoralize hostile forces. It never reached full scale production, but was repurposed for recreational use by civilians. The monstrous protrusion at the top of the kazoo was added there to simply make it louder.

But some still speculate it retains its anomalous properties, and may still be in use today by special forces branches. If you want to wake up your entire neighbourhood, then perhaps you will find this kazoo desirable.

Following these easy steps will present to you the proper way in which to handle your kazoo. Remember not to treat it as a mere piece of plastic, but treat it like you would treat your significant other. It deserves that much from you.

Tips:

-To produce desired effect, try humming as loudly as possible.

-The kazoos greatest strength is versatility. Hum any song you can think of into the kazoo, be it new wave, rap, heavy metal, or jazz, and chances are, it will be translated beautifully into kazoo form.

-Hum at different pitches to mimic songs better.

-Don’t toot too much, the naysayers and doubters will stop you from tooting. I know, it is a cruel and twisted world we live in, but we must abide by it’s cruel, twisted rules.

-Kazoos compliment guitars perfectly.

-Experiment to create your own custom kazoo songs.

-HUM, DON’T BLOW.

And now we have reached the end. I hope you know a thing or two about the greatest instrument in the world now. I have worked hard, painstakingly researching and sifting through troves of information to bring you, a high schooler, only the most high quality, well curated advice on properly utilizing this wondrous tool. Remember this,friends. Americans, countrymen. The day in which every man, woman and child has a kazoo within their possession is the day in which we have achieved world peace.