A Question of Great Importance
When looking at the various divides and bipartisan debates that plague our nation, it paints a picture of uncertainty and tension, as neighbours turn against neighbours, siblings against siblings, and entire families end up torn to pieces due to the political divisiveness of the modern world.
According to the Pew Research Center, there has not been a time when our country has been more divided since the Civil War(which is worrisome indeed).
But perhaps there is an even greater divide that lurks just beneath the surface, one in which could ignite chaos and turmoil the likes of which we have never witnessed in centuries.
A conflict that pertains not to ethnicity, religion, or ideology. It is a conflict based on something that is at the heart of America, a part of you, me and all of us.
A part of a balanced breakfast.
Cereal.
From Froot Loops, to Reese’s Puffs, from cinnamon Toast Crunch, to Lucky Charms. An issue in which blood will be spilt. Which is poured first? Milk, or cereal? I have brought myself to great peril in researching this topic, as this is a divide that reaches long forgotten centuries in the time in which humanity was first attaining sentience. Such a topic is important to countless millions. Picking the wrong side could get me killed, so I have chosen to remain as unbiased as possible.
Call me a spineless centrist if you wish, but cowardice is just another word for self preservation.
To get to the heart of this conflict, one must first go back to the very beginning of the conflict in order to properly comprehend how far back the grudges between these two groups go.
Proof that cereal has existed for centuries.
In this depiction of ancient warfare, Sumerian chariot riders prepare for war against the milk pouring Akkadians.
The first recorded instance of war (barring speculation that the wars stretched all the way back to the early Neolithic) being fought over cereal and milk dates back to the second century B.C., when the great Sumerian King Crunch was appalled upon learning that the neighbouring Akkadians poured their milk first. He declared a bloody crusade against the milk-pourers, a mistake which would prove fatal for the ancient empire, as the subsequent retaliatory campaigns by the Akkadians effectively crippled the Sumerians. But the dominance of those who poured milk first would not last for long.
Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs depicting the preparation of cereal. Rather controversially, the milk is being poured first.
The Egyptians, inspired by the Akkadians, took after their progenitors in the ritual of pouring milk first. It was according to King Tut that the process of pouring milk first meant that the Egyptians were better able to conserve their dairy liquids. The veracity of these claims have yet to be proven, but it was upon this ideological foundation that the Egyptians forged their mighty dynasty, and left their mark on the world. The Romans would later come to subjugate them, enforcing their cereal first policies upon the Egyptians, and sought out and destroyed the strongholds of the last of the milk-pourers. Many tablets that portrayed the process of pouring milk first were destroyed, making the one shown here one of the last, if not the last, depictions of the sacred Egyptian cereal preparation process.
The shadow of the ancient past has extended well into the seventeenth century. Early Plymouth colonists were primarily motivated by the fact that the powers of Europe heavily persecuted Cereal-pourers, and had sought to flee from their influence, and many more conflicts would be motivated by this issue, which now has reared its ugly head in the twenty-first century.
Here at the Grizzly newspaper, we delve into the dirtiest, most controversial topics while maintaining journalistic integrity. We bring you facts. Hard facts.
To illustrate the current divide here in California, we have collected data from fifty nine students, as to what is truly meant to be poured first. These are the raw, unadulterated statistics.
And so the truth has been revealed. An overwhelming amount 79.7% of people pour cereal first, whereas a measly 10.2% pour milk instead. Upon observing the responses roll in, I could testify that there was a point where there where more people who didn’t eat cereal at all than those who poured milk first.
Here at the Grizzly, as I’m sure you are intimately aware of, we ensure that both sides of the argument are clearly represented. So I have taken the liberty of interviewing various standpoints on the matter, and despite the fact that milk pourers are clearly in the minority, we must ensure that all voices are heard.
Our first interview candidate is Miles Chen, who was brave enough to shirk anonymity.
John: So you pour milk before cereal right?
Miles: Yes.
Anonymous bystander: disgusting
John: Can you describe to me the merits of pouring milk before cereal.
Miles: You can pour the exact same amount of milk every time.
John: Have you ever faced any anger or scorn for being a milk pourer?
Miles: Oh yeah I’ve faced a lot of scorn. But those are my habits and they’ll never change. [...] It’s not so much a specific incident, but it is more of a cumulative amount of looks they give you, and words and tones, you know.
Our next interview is with Mr. Zepeda, high school Spanish teacher.
John: So what do you pour first?
Zepeda: What do I pour first? I usually pour the cereal first...because I usually eat a lot of cereal, so, I’m not much of a milk guy, so the less milk I have in my bowl the better for me.
John: But for you, wouldn’t it be better to not have milk at all?
Zepeda: No no no no, I like to have some milk, because I want my cereal to be creamy, but it’s not the milk that will make me full, it’s the cereal. (He also states that he likes to add lots of sugar to his cereal.)
John: What is your opinion on the fact that some people who pour milk first get discriminated against?
Zepeda: I think they get discriminated against ‘cause it’s a very unique thing to do…
This next interview is from a student, Sarah Flores.
John: What do you pour first?
Sarah Flores: I eat cereal with orange juice.
John: Why?
Sarah Flores: ‘cause I’m lactose intolerant.
John: Does it taste good?
Sarah Flores: Yes. Sometimes I pour children’s blood.
John: Woah, woah, woah.. Stop the tape, STOP THE-
At this point, the interview was cut short. In order to preserve our own lives, we had to run from Sarah. Unfortunately, our cameraman, Greg, perished. He was eaten. By Sarah. This article is dedicated to the memory of Greg the cameraman. Rest in peace, Greg. May you find everlasting joy in cereal heaven.
Due to the fact that our cameraman died, we lost most of the actual footage from the interviews.
This is why all the footage was transcribed into text.
Our last interview is Deputy Redding Mcgonagall, as he is patrolling the Sunnyvale school district.
John: So, what do you pour first?
Deputy: I’m not at liberty to state that information.
John: Oh. I understand. So, you see a lot of nasty stuff going on in this neighbourhood?
Deputy: Let me tell you, if there was nothing nasty going on here, I wouldn’t be on patrol.
John: So, any reason why this place is so, uhhh, crime ridden?
Deputy: Two words. Cereal. Tensions. It’s always pour milk this, and pour cereal that.
If I said what I poured first, that’d just worsen the divide, y’know what I mean?
John: Oh yeah, sure, sure.
Deputy: People just, can’t seem to leave each other alone. Me, I don’t care who or what you are, and what you support, you’re human just like me and that’s reason enough to respect you. I mean, jeez. And the government isn’t doing jack, I got no support out here, it’s every man for himself.
Disgraceful, really.
Y’know what I think?
John: What do you think?
Deputy: I think that the government is actually fueling this- this divide.
John: So, you’re delving into conspiracy territory?
Deputy: Yes, yes I am. All these cereal and milk gangs, how do they carry out their war? Nerf guns. Every single day it’s a Nerf battle between these two groups, and the entire city suffers. Just the other day I saw an innocent lady who had nothing to do with this whole debacle, had a dart planted firmly in the poor girl’s forehead. Do you think she wanted any of this?
John: So uhh, what does this have to do with our government?
Deputy: It’s cause no where else, not even in retail stores can you get these high powered, military grade, Nerf guns. Only the government has this. Zombie Strike Brainsaw Blasters, Elite Strike Megas Series Centurions, Hell, I saw some kid the other day toting an N-strike Modulus Tri-strike Blaster Elite. That’s the kind of [explicit] used in commando raids on the North Koreans. I’m telling, you a divided population is one that won’t rise up against their oppressors, and I think that by giving these cereal gangs high grade Nerf weapons, they keep the population divided. And that’s why I think the feds are playing us like damn fiddles.
John: Say, what’s going on over there?
(I noticed what appeared to be three children armed with Nerf Lawbringers threatening an unidentified individual.)
Deputy: What the… precinct, this is unit 308, come in precinct.
Radio: This is precinct. What’s your situation, 308?
Deputy: We have a code blue, I repeat, code blue, requesting authorization to engage!
Radio: Negative 308. Do not use lethal force. Wait for reinforcements and-
Deputy: There’s someone in danger, damn it!
(The car pulled over, and the officer confronted the armed individuals.)
Deputy: Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on here?
Criminal: Ain’t nothing bad going on here, officer. Just dealing with a filthy milk pourer. Wanna join in?
Deputy: Hey no one’s dealing with no one, now put down the Nerf guns and surrender!
Criminal: Oh yeah? Well all you got is a dinky taser, and we got some real firepower, and there's three of us, and only one of you. All you police types are smart, aren’t ya?
Well do the math!
Deputy: I-I’m going to arrest you. All of you…
Criminal: Ya getting scared? Huh? C’mon, where just a couple of nice guys…
Deputy: I mean it…
Around this point, Deputy Redding lunged at the criminals, but sustained several Nerf darts to his chest. The assailants were incapacitated and arrested. Redding is currently recovering in a nearby hospital.
My cereal investigation has brought me wide and far. I have seen the deepest depths of depravity, but also incredible courage. If there’s one thing I learned, it’s that there are very real consequences when people don’t let go of age old grudges, and choose to ground themselves in the past. If we fail to let go of these grudges, if we allow the sins of our fathers to affect their sons, if we don’t know how to reconcile with our ancestor’s mistakes, then we’ll end up like that one leprechaun and those three kids from the Lucky Charms ads. We’ll be trapped in a constant and bitter state of conflict, and suffering.
